The Idiot's Guide to what NOT to do with Gurnard (I'm an idiot, here is my guide)

So in my last post I allowed my literary attentions to drift away from coastal fauna and instead penned a little prose about coastal flora (and dog wee). This time I'm not even going to write about Cumbria. Mixing it up, flying by the seat of my pants? Nope, I took a train. Drum roll please, for Part One of the London Trilogy.

It's 6am and I'm outside Billingsgate market, courtesy of a taxi driver who did well not to smash into McDonalds on the approach, as he drove with one hand on the wheel, the other over his nose..."What is this Billingsgate? It is fish, yes?"

Billingsgate market is the largest inland fish market in the UK. It opens for trade at 5am and is the place to be for anyone who wants a box of fish before sunrise. They also run a super duper range of courses at the Billingsgate Training School - brilliant, just try and stop me! So there I was, bleary-eyed and bushy-haired, and apparently with a very tense neck:

After enough tea to fully open my eyes and relax the muscles in my neck, my course mates and I set off on a tour of the market expertly guided by the fantastic Ken, who has been in the business for more years than I should tell you (I don't actually know) and who is an absolute legend. Here he is, demonstrating to the group how selling fish is just like conducting an orchestra:

 

Ken had many invaluable tips about buying fish (body tone, body tone, body tone!) and insightful thoughts on why we shouldn't buy dogfish... "that dogfish there? I wouldn't give that to your cat.... and I bet your cat's horrible".

Bah ha brilliant! Now I may be (definitely am) shamelessly adapting this comment to suit my conservation purposes but I like to think it means that dogfish is not only a lovely shark, friend not food, but that it tastes like poop too and therefore the best all-round advice is don't bother eating it.

Me: "Oh, so what you're actually saying is, dogfish tastes like dog poop? Interesting..."
Ken: "that is not what I said. Why I oughta...!" *shakes fist angrily*
Me: *Running away shouting* "dogfish is dog poop!"
Ken:

As part of the tour we bought fish to practice on in the kitchen workshop area later, so I got a couple of gurnard (No, I'm not obsessed) then went around with everyone else trying really hard not to be a know-it-all when we were asked 'who knows what fish this is?' at every box.

Well I failed at that, but I got all the fish right! *smug face*.

Now I can't possibly go any further without advising all you female readers that if you're feeling a bit low in the self esteem department, to take a trip to Billingsgate market - it's a man's world and apparently the men there only communicate with women via the universal language of wolf-whistling. I nearly fell over when, while practically sleeping on my feet and looking like Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall before his haircut (but after a shave), I got my first wolf-whistle of the day. They then came thick and fast, along with the offers to help me cook my fish:

Man: Nice gurnard.

Me: Thanks.

Man: What are you going to do with that?

Me: Cook it.

Man: You need some help with that?

Me: Bye.

After the full tour of the market, including the cold storage area which was really cold, we went up to the kitchen workshop to learn what to do with our fish. Ken showed us a great way to gut and skin a gurnard in one deft manoeuvre which I have since *deep breath* videoed myself doing and attached below *cringes but ploughs on valiantly for the cause*. But before you watch the video, please be aware that I don't know why I say directly to the camera "this is a red gurnard, because it is red" in a weird voice. I also have no idea if the sound or even the video itself will work. What's more (embarrassing), look out for me purposely and repeatedly pricking my thumb on the spines to demonstrate where they are. Want to know something that I didn't? Gurnard is a member of the scorpionfish family. Scorpionfish in general have a protein-based venom in their dorsal spines and while I can't actually find any information anywhere to back up the fact that gurnard spines are venomous, my thumb doesn't usually swell up and increase in temperature on a Friday night. Ah well, you live, stick yourself with gurnard spines, and learn. To be fair it was no big drama, didn't actually hurt, and would be rather easy to avoid so don't be discouraged from having a go.

Final thoughts on gurnard before incredibly-embarrassing-video-time? Well, they have large heads, which I can sympathise with, and they can grunt and growl, which is what I was doing as I was trying to pull my gurnard's large head off. They also make a little girly farty sound as you pull their heads back and their guts come out.
"Urgh pardon you".
"It was the gurnard!"
"Lindsay, you can't blame the gurnard every time."

Now watch the video and never, ever tell me what you think of it.